Denmark: How do Scandinavians roast each other?
Denmark gives a new meaning to Mr. Potato Head.
Hello from Copenhagen, Denmark! Last week, I talked all about Sweden and its family feud with Denmark. They married, they fought, they divorced, they fought some more, and Norway got caught in the middle. Well this week, it’s all about the other bike-riding, lego-making, Google-Maps-inventing, ruled-by-Vikings spouse: Denmark.
So how is Denmark different from the other Scandinavian countries?
They’re popular: Internationally, they have a lot of friends. Denmark is the only country of the three that’s in both NATO and the European Union.
They’re small: Geographically, Denmark is smaller, flatter, and slightly warmer than Sweden and Norway. Denmark is only 1/12th the size of Sweden, but they do have half as many people (5 million vs. 10 million).
The love handball: Danes are crazy about team handball, and they’re really good. Hold this thought.
Here’s another beautiful map to remind us of where they are:
So what’s its culture like?
Remember, Scandinavia is a family. The family history is messy, but they’re past it.
These days this family is like my family. We’re all grown up, so whenever we get together our favorite pastime is to sit around and make fun of each other. Scandinavia is the same. Dane after Dane told me their favorite ways to insult Sweden, and then they’d confess that Sweden would respond with some good jabs too. (Usually Norway is left unscathed. Maybe it’s because the other 2 feel bad for denying them their independence for 500 years.) (That’s my attempt to get in on the roasting. How’d I do?)
After last week’s bit on Scandinavian history, I thought this was such a funny and interesting way to learn about today’s culture in Denmark and Scandinavia. So today I’ll pass along my favorites and and judge who gets the best burns. Without further ado: who wins when Scandinavians start roasting each other?
Sports:
The insult:
Sweden: “Denmark you suck at ice hockey.”
Denmark: “Well you suck at handball.”
Norway: *smiles with a subtle, quiet confidence*
The explanation: Sweden vs. Denmark is like the Red Sox vs. Yankees, the Lakers vs. Celtics, or the Dodgers vs. not choking in the playoffs (the last one hurts to write). Soccer and ice hockey especially. The world rankings give Sweden the slight edge in both, but Danes care most about handball. As of last month, Denmark is now the three-time defending World Cup champion in team handball. Apparently this is a real thing.
The winner: Norway! Sweden and Denmark argue, but it’s Norway who is the best. They’ve won the most medals at each of the last two Winter Olympics!
The language:
The insult:
Sweden and Norway: “Swedish and Norwegian sound as sweet as a song, but Danish just sounds like you’re talking with a potato in your mouth.”
Denmark: *says something unintelligible because of the root vegetable in their mouth*
The explanation: I really loved this one. Swedes, Norwegians, and Danes all kept acknowledging that Danish sounds much harsher than the other languages, and they even all used the exact same spud simile! There are podcasts, cartoons, and YouTube videos on this.
The winner: Sweden. The joke is so good that even Danes gotta hand it to the Swedes. Norway is penalized because apparently there are actually two kinds of Norwegian that Norwegian kids have to learn in school, and a few Norwegians told me it was annoying.
Alcohol
The insult:
Sweden: “You Danish people are always drunk.”
Denmark: “So are you! And plus you have to buy alcohol from us. And so do you, Norway!”
The explanation: Danes are proud to say they have a reputation for drinking a lot and having a good time. Many bars and clubs in Copenhagen stay open until 5 or 6am while Stockholm tends to be closer to 2 or 3am. Interestingly, it’s also much harder to buy alcohol in Norway and Sweden. In both countries, the only store that can sell alcohol over 4.75% is a chain owned by the government. So this makes alcohol very expensive in those countries, which is why Danes brag that both countries come to them to buy cheap booze. Swedes laugh and admit there’s some truth to it.
The winner: Denmark. They say they’ve nailed the work-hard-play-hard balance. Clearly they play hard, and they also brag that they are the 3rd most productive country in the world. The stats back this up!
The winner: It’s a tie! And this feels right because at the end of the day, Scandinavian love shines through. They make fun of each other, but as soon as an outsider joins in, they all stand up for each other even quicker than the U.S. government can shoot another balloon out of the sky. As one Dane put it to me, “Hey, Sweden may be a bastard, but they’re our bastard.”
Lightning Round:
Copenhagen was recently called the safest place in the world, and stats and stories back this up. For example, Danish parents have been known to leave their children napping outside restaurants alone in a stroller! And somehow, they had zero bank robberies in all of 2022! What do they make crime movies about?
I don’t even have anything witty to add. This was insane! In 2003, Denmark was set to back the U.S. in the Iraq War, but Danes protested. One man even went into the Danish parliament and threw red paint on the Prime Minister shouting, “You’ve got blood on your hands.” In the Parliament, they still have bits of red paint on the floor from this!
Is this better or worse than Bush getting a shoe thrown at him? Source There are 2.6 bikes per person in Denmark, and I almost got hit several times. But I wasn’t worried because the Danish welfare state is so robust that even a lanky ginger tourist in the ER won’t have to pay for his health care. That sound you hear is Bernie Sanders nodding so hard that he fell out of his chair.
The Danes have had 5 kings named Valdemar, which is scarily close to Voldemort. 2 more and it will be one Valdemar per horcrux!
But that’s not even the best Danish monarch fact! The current ruler is Queen Margrethe II. Before her, there were 18 Danish kings from 1513 to 1972, and every single one alternated between being named Christian and Frederick. From Columbus’s landing to the moon landing, Denmark just stayed the course. By the way, the queen’s oldest son is named Frederick. His oldest son? Christian.
This is the royal box in the Danish Parliament. It’s where the Queen sits. Check out the red carpet!
Around Copenhagen there are a number of benches that are 1 meter higher than normal. They reflect the prediction made by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that sea levels will rise 1 meter by 2100 if we don’t take serious action.
So, yeah. I really loved Copenhagen. If you haven’t been, I couldn’t recommend it strongly enough.
Sent with a potato in my mouth,
Matt